is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
