Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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