i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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