I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
