John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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