The maid of honor just puked.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
