How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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