She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
