Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sorry my hands just texted you
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
