I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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