Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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