you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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