wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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