I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Damn victory sex feels great
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
