I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
