I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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