last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
