I seem to have left my pride at pride
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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