cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
