so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
