Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
