my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
