i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
