I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
