Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
