based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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