Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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