Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
