there's paper in my vomit.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
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its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
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After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
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