I've blown a few things in my day
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
