He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
