You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
