When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.