Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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