I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
