i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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