I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
