i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
