Texts From Last Night

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  (804): View more from Virginia

  omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.

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  (804): omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh. (804): He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis. http://tfl.nu/8njp
  Replies (8) Good night (825) Bad night (2598)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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  (206): Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking. http://tfl.nu/kuj0
  Replies (11) Good night (892) Bad night (4126)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.

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  (313): I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son. http://tfl.nu/7jxb
  Replies (13) Good night (649) Bad night (2435)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips

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  (630): I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips http://tfl.nu/376c
  Replies (7) Good night (5078) Bad night (783)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.

  (573): View more from Missouri

  I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.

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  (573): Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever. (573): I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that. http://tfl.nu/43y6
  Replies (22) Good night (5214) Bad night (554)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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  (501): He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice. http://tfl.nu/qyuj
  Replies (7) Good night (5998) Bad night (805)
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  (909): View more from California

  He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

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  (909): He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere. http://tfl.nu/wyhi
  Replies (4) Good night (3011) Bad night (666)
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  (619): View more from California

  I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.

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  (619): I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca. http://tfl.nu/7xxl
  Replies (10) Good night (1867) Bad night (1265)
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  (916): View more from California

  You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.

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  (916): You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping. http://tfl.nu/nr1z
  Replies (6) Good night (2095) Bad night (527)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles

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  (+44): Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles http://tfl.nu/aiso
  Replies (4) Good night (477) Bad night (1568)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?

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  (845): Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident? http://tfl.nu/4pg6
  Replies (1) Good night (749) Bad night (513)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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  (918): Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE. http://tfl.nu/pg7d
  Replies (7) Good night (1050) Bad night (292)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night

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  (812): Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night http://tfl.nu/74fx
  Replies (5) Good night (931) Bad night (323)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$

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  (304): I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$ http://tfl.nu/l4gn
  Replies (2) Good night (413) Bad night (140)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.

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  (940): See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks. http://tfl.nu/9nre
  Replies (2) Good night (458) Bad night (160)

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