I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.