I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
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I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
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I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We were destined to go to rehab together
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms