No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.