but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I looked at my own cervix.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
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Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
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I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.