Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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