She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
