I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
