Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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