Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
