Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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