i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
soo... how was my night?
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