I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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