The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
