My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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