Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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