When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
