I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
