i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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