Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
