Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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