well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize