Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
