Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
