I think my fart just growled at me.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
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You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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